Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
