Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
