so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My feet surprised me
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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