Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Is Oprah even human
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
