Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
