The maid of honor just puked.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
This is the high leading the old right now
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
