is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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