i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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