Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
