Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I want to be your penis for a week.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
