Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
