haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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