Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
