I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
