i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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