She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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