it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I did not marry a roomba.
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