he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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