you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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