The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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