Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
