i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
zippers are such a cool invention
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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