he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I want to be your penis for a week.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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