Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
