Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
