i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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