People in love make me want to vomit
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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