So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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