He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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