And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
