A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
