listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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