i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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