that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
