Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
