It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
