she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
