Can i not drive my cunt home
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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