Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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