Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
