Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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