you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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