I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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