Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
