I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize