Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
worst night to have a conscience
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
