so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
