the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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