if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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