Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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