ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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