I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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