I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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