her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It's shark week go big or go home
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
