I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize