Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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