I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
