dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
