First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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