She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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