sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
