went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
