She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I AM VODKA MAN
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
