So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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