did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i will never coherently bang her
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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