Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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