She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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