I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
