I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
