I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
